


Hang Out the Stars

by Blue_Thallium (orphan_account)



Series: Bohemiastuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1920s, Humanstuck, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-28 22:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Blue_Thallium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Karkat Vantas attempts to please his parents, maintain his financial independence in a way that could be dubbed morally questionable, sleep with a conservative American fellow, and not make a total arse of himself in the process.</p><p>Doubtlessly, it'll all end in tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There are a few 20s Humanstuck AUs, but I was yet to see one set in England rather than America.
> 
> Think of it as being like reading an Evelyn Waugh novel, that is not even a fraction as competent.

_At It Again?_

 _Thanks to those utterly indispensable sources of mine, it looks like those “Bright Young People” spent most of their Saturday evening dressed up to the nines at one of their infamous costume parties.  
The theme was “gender bending” and even the reportedly atrociously tempered Katriel “Karkat” Vantas (photograph on page 15) appeared in borrowed lipstick and a pretty hat spotted before on the head of Kanaya Maryam – who looked ravishing (or should that be “dashing”) in a pinstriped suit, which honestly flattered that boyish figure of hers more than half the dresses she’s been seen in.  
_

“Though one does not like to blow one’s own trumpet, frankly Perkins has eyesight as dull as her wit.” Kanaya sniffed. She plucked defiantly at the fabric of her dress. “My dresses are all extremely flattering.”

“You did look damn good in that suit though, Darling.” Eridan told her, turning toward her with a languid roll of his head. He pulled his long, legs from the sofa, and draped them across a footstool, then invited her to sit beside him with little more than a pat of his hand.  
She placed herself next to him, quite close, and he leant over the newspaper.  
“Well come along then, I want to see if there’s anything about me.”

“Oh yes, I should hope so, with the amount of time we spent on that bloody outfit.”

“Language, please.” Equius sighed. He had barely looked up from his notepad in hours. He’d let several cups of tea go cold, and Nepeta had eaten all the cake Vriska’s kitchen girl had set down for him.

“Oh bugger off.” Eridan snapped. “Honestly, he’s the most dreadful prude.” He said, aiming his words quite directly at Nepeta. She gently shook her head. “I don’t know how you put up with him.”

“He’s the last person I’d call a prude, Eri.” Vriska called, bustling from the hall in her dressing gown (a very fine silk) in the full face makeup she’d sooner be caught dead without. “Have you read his poetry?” Equius glared at her. “It’s quite filthy, you know.”

“It is _erotica_ not _filth_ , there is a _difference_ and -”

“Lovey, please.” Nepeta placed a calming hand on his forearm.

“It’s not erotica,” Karkat piped in, dropping his book, and sitting down by Feferi (who was half asleep). He’d been trying to read, but now the conversation was starting to pick up – though he’d never admit it.  
“It’s filth. You make the Marquis De Sade look like a nine year old girl scribbling dirty stories in to the back of her diary.” He sniffed.

“How dare you-”

“There was a line in particular, from ‘The Rider Wore His Purple Cap’, I damn near swallowed my cigarette when I read it.”

Equius slammed his notebook down on the table, with such a force that Nepeta has to steady the ornate, and precariously balanced tea pot she’d been drinking from.  
“That sonnet is a tour de force; I’ll have you know, an elegantly constructed-”

Karkat interrupted him with a laugh. “Ah, yes, I remember it now: _how fleshly do my lovely’s insides feel, as I slip my love past the muscle, guarding his virtue like some ring of steel._ ” Vriska snorted, a cruel smile on her red, open mouth.  
“It’s a poem about fucking a horse, Equius, no one’s going to be getting it confused Paradise Lost any time soon.” Karkat continued, he clapped a hand to his face and mimed the opening of a book with the other. “My god, surely this is one of the Canterbury tales, it’s so – oh no, never mind, it’s a sonnet on horse buggery.”

“The horse is a metaphor.” Equius said, through gritted teeth.

“A metaphor for what, exactly? Apart from your desire to bugger horses, of course. Frankly I don’t blame you for writing under you stupid pseudonym, because I hardly think your mother would be pleased if she knew what went on in little Lord Stephen Glenconner’s head.” Equius recoiled from the use of his real name, as if Karkat were spitting hot coals at him.

“Oh will you shut up!” Eridan snarled, with a petulant stamp of his foot. “Kanaya, carry on.” He elbowed the aforementioned, and she slapped his arm.

“I shall, don’t you worry.”

Kanaya cleared her throat: “Mrs Valentina “Vriska” Serket once again pushed the boundaries of decency, when it seemed she’d barely bothered to button her shirt – leaving parts of her under-things on display for a greater part of the-” when Vriska turned to the other, scandalised, Eridan interrupted Kanaya.

“Now that’s fair, you looked like you’d be happy to take the damn shirt off if someone paid you enough.” He sneered.

“Whatever that price should be, I know for a fact you couldn’t afford it, _darling_.” Said Vriska, with a tart smile.

“Please, Vris, I have a shilling in my pocket I could give you right now,”

“Was that a challenge?” Vriska’s smile split even wider, and she began to pull at the drawstring of her dressing gown. Karkat leapt from his seat, and grabbed her wrists.

“No it wasn’t!” He snapped. “Finish reading the damn article.”

Kanaya rolled her eyes. “Lord and Lady Glenconner, Mr and Mrs Nepeta (Nee Leijon) and Stephen Glenconner, made an appearance, Lady Glenconner drowning in her Husband’s cricket whites, though they did not stay long. Of course the show was stolen completely by Mr. Ervin FitzGeorge-Ampora (Heir to the Duchy of Cambridge), who goes by the nickname of Eridan-”

“Excellent!” Eridan then proceeded to give himself a small round of applause.

“Who came to the party in a magnificent dress, and succeeded in looking more feminine than Miss Teresa “Terezi” Pyrope shall ever hope to. There is certainly no confusion as to why that girl hasn’t married yet.” Kanaya lowered the paper with a frown. “Good heavens, that was rather harsh.” She looked apologetic as her eyes searched the room. “Where is Terezi?”

“She went home with the Lalonde twins.” Karkat said. Vriska’s ‘I’m so scandalised’ look was back, and the force of Kanaya’s apologetic one was being aimed, full force, at him. “Not like that, for Christ’s sake, she’s up at Cambridge today and so is David; it was for the sake of having a little fucking company while she travelled.”

“Do I detect a hint of jealousy there, Mr Vantas?” Said Nepeta with a small smile.

“No you fucking well don’t.”

“Don’t bite off her head, she was only joking.” Vriska commanded, with a sneer.

“Karkitten is welcome to bite off my head whenever he feels it appropriate – I know he’s just a big grumpy pussy cat.” Nepeta sighed with a flirtatious lilt to her voice. Equius rolled his eyes, and went back to his notebook.

“Carry on Kanaya.” Eridan urged.

“I’m just going to carry on reading the next time you interrupt.” Kanaya said, primly. “The Prime Minister’s daughter was, as usual, not on the arm of Mr Ampora, to whom she is supposedly betrothed, but on the arm of Solomon Captor II, who looked very out of place in an over the top gown, obviously borrowed from Mrs Aradia Scratch.” Kanaya dropped the paper into her lap with a loud huff. “She always has a dig at Aradia’s dresses, every bloody chance she gets. I bet Aradia dresses twice as well as Gertrude fucking Perkins.” She frowned, and picked the paper back up. “Any way, Captor and Miss Megido were spotted with each other later that evening, and appeared to leave the party together.” There was a collective cringe. “Sorry Feferi.”

“It’s fine, I’ve told him, and all of you in fact, on a _number_ of occasions that we’re only seeing each other casually.” Feferi said, quite sharply. A number of glances were exchanged.

“I’ve never understood the attraction with Captor.” Karkat scoffed. “I mean… look at him.”

Eridan made a gagging motion and grimaced down at the paper. “It’s because he’s _deep_ and oh so fucking _complicated_.”

“He’s also quite an impressive lover.” Feferi cut in. The room shared a groan. “What?” Feferi snorted. Karkat shook his head at her. “Oh as if you haven’t slept with him before Vantas, don’t give me that look.”

“I hardly slept with him. We were fourteen and our mothers had dragged us to his summer house for the whole of June, we had to find some way to entertain ourselves. You’d have done the same.” Karkat said, snippy and slightly defiant. “In fact, I don’t know why I’m defending myself. You _have_ done the same, you continue to do the same.”

“Is there much left of that article?” Vriska asked.

“No, just a bit about Tavros and Gamzee not having bothered to put on dresses. And something about Gamzee trying to hit David Lalonde because he called him Baron Barke instead of Gamzee. Tavros tried to step in, but then David started calling Tavros Gustav, said that all of our little nicknames were silly, and Gamzee gave him a black eye.”

“That’s a complete fabrication, surely.” Equius sniffed.

“No,” Karkat shook his head again. “I’m afraid Perkins is quite correct.”

“Here’s the photograph, by the way. You do look quite lovely in this, Eridan.” Kanaya pulled the page from the newspaper, and set it on the coffee table in front of her.

“There’s a first time for everything.” Said Karkat, with a smirk.

Vriska, Feferi, Karkat and Nepeta came over to look, where Eridan simply leant in, Equius appeared uninterested. The photo was one that a paparazzo had taken, and did not feature the whole group. Karkat was falling onto Kanaya and grinning dumbly, Kanaya was holding Eridan’s hand, and Eridan smiling nastily at Sollux, who was sandwiched between Feferi and Tavros.

Vriska hit Kanaya on the arm. “You look just _darling_ Kanaya, honestly, you should wear a suit more often.”

“Do you think?” She asked, softly.

“I really do.” Vriska said. “You could borrow one of my husband’s, if you’d like.”

“Where is your husband, anyway?” Asked Feferi, “Usually he’d have chased our bachelor friend out by now.” She said, gesturing to Karkat.

“Robert is in Newcastle this week. He’s… Roberting.” Vriska sighed heavily, and flopped from her kneeling position, onto the floor, with a looseness to her limbs that could only truly be achieved by a woman bored of her husband. “He is such a frightful windbag, I hope he leaves me. Or dies. Not that I’d wish him dead of course, I just wouldn’t be terribly upset if he did happen to have an untimely departure from this earth.” She grumbled.

“Please don’t murder Robert, Vriska.” Kanaya pleaded.

“I never said I was going to!” She sat up again. “I’ll have an affair.” She said, quite definitively. “I’ve always wanted to have an affair. Especially with an American. When I was a little girl, I’d often dream of marrying this sweet little English boy, but then having my heart stolen by a dark, handsome American. Like Rudolph Valentino.” She pouted, and dropped back to the floor again.

“Valentino is a European, you insufferable trollop.” Snapped Eridan. “Don’t you read the papers?”

“Only if I’m in them.”

Nepeta pursed her lips thoughtfully. “And can you imagine how silly your name would sound if you married him? Valentina Valentino? I suppose you could have your name changed to Vriska, but I hardly think that’s a proper name for a baroness. But then you wouldn’t be a baroness if you ran off with an American fellow.”

Vriska shot her a disdainful look. “I didn’t mean Valentino specifically, I just meant someone like him. And I don’t want to run off with him either, I just want to...” She paused, and licked her lips. “Is you delicious little friend John still engaged to that awful Lalonde creature?”

Karkat’s brow drew, and his mouth tightened. “Quite thoroughly, I’m afraid, he seems utterly determined to carry on being in love with her.”

“Ugh. How I _despise_ the Nouveau Riche.” Spat Vriska. She then gave Karkat an innocent smile, and a bat of her eyelashes. “No offense intended, darling.”

 

*

Karkat and Kanaya left not too long after that, Kanaya managing to deliver a vitriolic monologue on the evils of Gertrude Perkins which lasted the entire cab ride. Her pretty, fine features did not suit rage, and Karkat found himself a little frightened by how drastically her face changed when contorted with hate. He was glad she was usually so calm, anger did not become her.

It was not that Karkat wanted to be so harsh about his friends (as with most people, he was generally quite opposed to the public defaming of his loved ones), but he really had no other choice.  
What else was he supposed to do, go back to _just_ writing the Tattler’s literary column? They paid him twice as much per word for the Society column, and all he had to do was get a little catty about his nearest and dearest, and “Gertrude Perkins” took all the blame. Really, it was a fabulous little scheme he had going. It’s not even like he had to put finger to key, all he had to do was slink away to a payphone, and dictate the article to some flunky in the publishing house.

In any case, it was certainly more favourable than asking his father for money. Karkat would rather hack off an ear than beg that man for cash again, especially not after he’d made such a fuss about his being independent.

Gertrude Perkins kept the wine flowing, his rooms paid for and his suits tailored – if anything, his friends should be grateful for his ever so slightly slanderous exploits, they’d hardly paid for a drink in his presence in months. Only if they found out, that is. He wouldn’t tell them – frankly, he’d rather drink a pint of water from the Thames.

He’d arranged to lunch with Jade Egbert that afternoon, and was quite annoyed when he’d heard David Lalonde had invited himself along as well. He seemed quite determined to stand in the way of Karkat’s plans to marry Jade, made even more irritating by the fact he was sure Lalonde had no intention of marrying her himself.

Marrying Jade would, at least, be very convenient. For a start, she was Jewish, which had made his mother feel they were a very smart match – and their marriage would no doubt solidify ties between their family’s businesses. And, aside from that, they did get along unusually well. She was essentially a very sweet girl and rather pretty, on top of that.  
The greatest benefit, as far as Karkat was concerned, was the access it would give him to the Egbert sibling he actually had passionate yearning for. Really, all they needed to do was spend more time together. A little champagne and debauched sort of atmosphere could loosen the morals of any boy, regardless of conservative or _all American_ they might be.

He got out of the Taxi before Kanaya, leaving her an estimate of half of the end fee, and walked a short distance to the Restaurant he and Jade had agreed to meet at. It was a clear day, very windy and too cold to be walking around without a coat, but right and without the smog that usually choked the city at this hour of the day.  
It was a small, but expensive Italian restaurant, that served good fish and had the most wonderful stock of wines. Perhaps a tad excessive for lunch, but Karkat felt there was only really so much money he could save.  
Jade was sat at a table alone, sipping a glass of wine and dressed much too casually for this restaurant in particular. Though, Karkat was in no position to judge her. He was, after all, rolling in in last night’s suit.

He put on his most charming smile, and pulled out a chair for himself. “Good afternoon, Miss Egbert, I trust the -”

“Oh dry up, Vantas.” She snapped, in that dreadful New York accent she’d picked up. Educated in England for the better part of her life, and a year back in the States was enough to wipe out years of elocution lessons, and corrupt her vocabulary with stupid American slang.  
“Save all that Gentlemanly bull for my Father.”

“My sincerest apologies for trying to be a pleasant human being, for once, you incorrigible fucking harpy.”

“What’s the point in pretending? I have met you before, sweetheart.” She said with a smirk, wetting her finger and circling it around the rim of her glass. It sung, and Karkat glared at her.

“Don’t do that in here.” He said. She raised her hands defensively, and Karkat noticed she had a series of rubber bands tied to her fingers. He slumped down into his chair, and fished in his jacket for his pipe. “Where the bloody hell is Lalonde, are we not supposed to be competitively wooing you this afternoon, or some total fuckwallop to that effect.”

“I think he stood us up, so I guess that’s pretty damn great for you.”

“Goodness, what crawled up your backside and died?” He asked. Jade, with a glare, was about to answer, but her mouth closed and spread into a smile as the waiter appeared. Karkat located his pipe, had the waiter bring him a box of matches, and ordered a bottle of wine.

Jade sighed. “I’m sorry.” She said in a low voice, “I’m just in a bad mood. Daddy won’t ease up on the engagement thing.”

“Who does he want you to marry?” Karkat asked, Jade gave him a look.

“Who do you think, Vantas?”

Karkat buried himself with finding his tobacco, giving her a knowing smirk. “And you want to marry someone else. David? I assume.”

“I never wanted to marry Dave.” She said, the waiter arrived, and she thanked him for the wine, offering him her glass to be topped up. Karkat continued rooting around for the tobacco. “Geez Louise, your jacket is like a bottomless pit!” Jade remarked.

“I’m very aware of the fact,” Said Karkat as he fingered his keys, and his watch, but not his little tin of tobacco. “Why don’t you want to marry Lalonde?”  
.  
“That’s a hell of a question.” Jade said, sipped her wine, and sent the waiter off. “He’s swell and all; I just never wanted to marry the guy.”

“You damn well made it seem like you did!” Karkat snapped. He finally located his tobacco. With a satisfied “Aha!” he drew it from his pocket, and began to prepare his pipe.

“I was trying to get a rise out of you and Daddy, so sue me.” Jade sniggered.

“Who on earth do you want to marry, if it’s not me, and it’s not him?”

“Because you two are the only fellas I could possibly wanna marry.” She said, her lip curled. Karkat fussed with a match before Jade snatched the box and lit one for him. Before Karkat could take the match back, she popped the pipe in his mouth and lit it for him.

“Which _fella_ is it, then? You’re not the only one whose fucking parents are trying to bully them into a marriage, you could at least tell me who I‘m competing with.” Karkat huffed. He promptly began to choke.  
He wasn’t quite used to smoking it yet, but he really did suit it. Perhaps he should go back to cigarettes and just wear it decoratively.

“You’re the only person they’re trying to make me marry! There ain’t another fella, because there ain’t no fella at all. And there never will be.” Jade said, her voice very hushed. Karkat gave a single nod of understanding. “It’s not a problem I have with you Karkat, you’re a real catch, but I don’t really wanna _get_ married. To anyone… You’re an open minded guy, you know what it’s like for girls… For girls like me, I guess.”

“If there’s no one else you want to marry, you might as well marry me. You know the circles I move in, Jade, I’m sure I could introduce you to plenty of likeminded women.”

“I don’t need to be introduced, there’s already someone I’m stuck on, and I don’t think she’s likeminded at all.” Jade said miserably. She had a large gulp of her wine.

“It’s not Kanaya, is it?” Karkat asked with a shrug. “Because I’ve got a pleasant surprise for you if it is.”

“Unfortunately, no, it’s not Kanaya.” Jade said. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and pulled her chair close to him, leaning in. An old couple in the corner pointed at them, and smiled warmly – as if the two actually were a pair of lovers sharing sweet nothings. “Nepeta. It’s Nepeta.” She muttered.

“… Really?” Karkat said, loudly enough to earn a sharp look of reprisal from Jade. He came close to her as well, and was careful not to blow smoke in her face. “I was always under the impression you and she didn’t get along.”

“Yeah, well… Since she got married and I started at the university, we’ve seen a lot of each other. I warmed to her, to say the least.”

“If it makes you feel better, her marriage is a total sham. After his father died, Equius’ Uncle insisted he got married before he took up the land and his title. Nepeta was just very convenient. He’s damn lucky he’s her best friend, because I’d proposed to her a matter of hours before he did.”

“Oh no, honey, I’m so sorry.” Jade took his hand, and lay his over hers.

“Don’t be, I wasn’t fucking well in love with her, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Karkat scoffed. Jade tutted and snatched her hand out from under his. “What? She was convenient, and Mother and father were very happy to overlook her distinct lack of Judaism for all that French land she’d just acquired.”

“I guess I can’t say I blame you. Two vineyards. I’d kill for just one.” Jade said. She rested her hand on her cheek. “I’d kill for her regardless.”

Karkat whispered close to her ear, “I’d count Nepeta as one of my closest friends, you do realise?”

“Yeah, Vantas, I have noticed that on account of the fact I’m not a moron.”

“Well… I know for a fact she’s rather more _likeminded_ than you think. I’ve certainly seen her engaging in behaviour I’d certainly consider to be likeminded.” Jade gave him a surprised look.

“Tell me more.”

“You should stop being a total idiot for a moment and fucking think about it. If you were my fiancé, you’d be invited to all the same places I’ll be, IE, all the same places _she’ll_ be. She could attend our engagement parties, our wedding, and the many dinner parties we’ll hold at the house. Parties just for married couples and what not.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right.” Jade sighed. “I guess... It would please Daddy, wouldn’t it? And it… We’re a pretty good match.”

“You are speaking sense for the first fucking time in weeks.” Karkat couldn’t help but grin. Jade gave him a weak smile.

“And we already fight kind of like a married couple.”

“Exactly.”

“I guess if I had to marry a fella, it’d be you, Vantas.” Jade shrugged.

“I don’t think there’s a girl I’d rather marry either.” Karkat told her. He was a little bit excited, he had to admit. Engagements meant parties, and engagements to Jade meant parties her brother would be attending. “I suppose I’ll ask your father for your hand this evening?”

“You do that, he’ll like that a lot. And that means you can propose properly at dinner, assuming you have a ring.”

“Well obviously, woman, have you ever known me to be unprepared?” He said. Jade snorted and raised her glass.

“A toast to us.”

“To us.” Karkat clinked his glass against hers, and she gave him a chaste kiss on the mouth – something that took him aback, but that he supposed he should get used to.

“There is, of course, the matter of… a child.”

“Aww, Jeez, I was just getting into the moment.”

“Fucking moments up is one of my greatest talents, _darling_ , I’d suggest you get yourself used to it pretty bloody promptly.” He grumbled. “The fact is, my father’s businesses needs an heir, and so will yours if John doesn’t produce one. Plus, who isn’t going to be suspicious of a childless marriage. Unless, that is, we start a rumour that you’re barren.”

“I thought you weren’t gonna have anything to do with the banks.”

“I’m not; I’ll only be taking them over in name.” Karkat shook his head. “It wouldn’t be an issue if you weren’t,” Karkat made a vague hand gesture, “So how would you suggest we get around the whole _fucking_ issue?”

“Jesus Christ, Vantas, it won’t be an issue. The idea isn’t completely vomit-inducingly repulsive to me.” She grumbled, draining the last of her wine glass.

“Excellent.”

“We’re waiting at least until I’m finished at University.” Jade said.

“Of course… And bloody well cheer up, will you. I’ve asked you to marry me, not offer yourself as a human sacrifice.”

“I know. It’s kind of a lot to absorb.”

“Look… Jade. I’m sorry about this. I just. I need to get married. And you barely even have to see me if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t blame you; I am essentially a fetid garden gnome in a suit. I wouldn’t marry me. Honestly I’d probably set myself on fire if presented with the prospect, but it would doubtlessly be extinguished by the fountain of piss that would gush from my shrivelled, miserable excuse for a penis.”

“…Well jeez, you’re not that bad.” Jade poured herself a fresh glass on wine. A somewhat uncomfortable silence followed.

“Well, in any case, Nepeta’s coming tonight.”

“That cheers me the hell up.”

Karkat gave a small pensive sigh. “This really isn’t how I thought my first successful proposal would go, you know.”

“Honestly, this is how I figured mine would go. If it went at all… Which it just did.”

Karkat’s proposal was supposed to be a surprise. To a girl he loved, who at least liked men a little bit, with flowers, and a string quartet and applause from loved ones. It had been like that with Terezi, but it was rather spoilt by the fact that they weren’t actually allowed to get married.


	2. Chapter 2

Karkat ushered the friends that were in attendance to the drawing room of his mother and father’s house, shutting the door behind him.  
Jade, John, Vriska, Sollux, Rose, Nepeta, Equius and Aradia had been able to attend; the others were joining them later at Karkat’s.

He took a deep breath. “Good evening Ladies, Gentleman, and twats I’d hardly call either. Obviously we are all aware of the fact that this party is being held by my parents, and a number of other people’s parents are in attendance – namely Tavros’ father.”

“Step-father.” Interrupted Equius.

“Shh!” Karkat put on what John had named his ‘crazy eyes’, then continued, “That means everyone is to be on their best behaviour, but especially Vriska.” Karkat turned, no longer facing the group, he stomped up to Vriska. “We are not be casting any aspersions on Dear little Tavros’ personal life, is that understood?”

She sneered. “Perfectly. Honestly, what do you take me for?”

“I take you entirely as you come.”

“That’s not surprising; I’ve heard you’re excellent at taking things entirely as they come.” She said with a very insincere simpering look. Karkat smiled back, and redirected his address to the rest of the group.

“And it is comments like that we shall be avoiding the ever loving fuck out of.” He really only meant to make it a very quick talk, and as he opened the door to exit, he heard a very familiar maternal cackle ring through the hall. He sagged, and closed the door again. “Another little warning for those of you who have not yet had the pleasure of meeting my mother, she’s… a little…” Karkat paused for thought, drumming his fingers against his chin. “She’s as rough as a badger’s arse.”

“I’m sure she’s a doll.” Laughed Jade. Sollux rolled his eyes.

“She’s perfectly fucking fine, Karkat.”

“You would say that – your mother is just as bad as she is.” Karkat snapped. Sollux opened his mouth to argue, then shrugged.

“Fair enough.”

Eridan had bumped past John to make a very poor attempt of speaking candidly with her. “You’ll want to trust him on this one Jade, she’s… I trust you’ve heard the expression ‘you can take the girl out of the gutter, but you can’t take the gutter out of the girl’?”

Jade clicked her tongue. “That’s awful!” Eridan could only shake his head at her, while Rose gave him a very bored look. She nudged Jade.

“One should never over underestimate the snobbishness of the British upper classes, no matter how enlightened they may claim to be.”

“Who invited Little Miss Clever-tits again?” Asked Karkat. John frowned and raised his hand.

“You did. You gave me a plus one, who did you expect me to use it on?”

“I have to say I’m rather regretting inviting Young Master Smart-arse, now.”

“While we’re getting our little comments out, Aradia, where’s your husband?” Vriska asked, gleefully. Aradia raised an eyebrow and adjusted her wrap. Her dress really was very ornate, and hugely gaudy. He often wondered if her husband picked her clothes for her. Karkat made a mental note of this for his next article.

“Mingling, I believe.” replied a very polite Aradia. The way she spoke was measured and polished – forced, if anything and it was clear she was trying to fight away an accent. Vriska looked shocked.

“Shouldn’t you be with him? What if he gets all confused and wanders off? He might break a hip.”

“My husband is old. That’s a new one, yes, very good Vriska, I ought to tell him that one later.” Aradia sighed. She tugged at the arms of her gloves. “I believe your father still owes him a thousand pounds, actually, so I’m sure he’d be glad to know you’re here.” Aradia said – her face did not change expression, while Vriska’s contorted with rage. She promptly stormed out and John, after gaining a brief nod of approval from Rose, followed out after her. He gave Aradia a dark look as he left, and Rose muttered an apology.  
Karkat, taking a moment to seethe with jealousy, clenched his fists and took another deep breath.

“While that was very funny, it is exactly the sort of thing that should be avoided. Please. Best behaviour. Or else, the next time I am in your home, I will find a cupboard, and I will shit inside that cupboard. And it’ll be a long time before someone finds it. And it’ll really make your house smell dreadful.”

“Do you realise that you’re going to be the only one who makes a spectacle of himself?” Rose drawled.

“Yes.”

“Good, as long as you’re aware of it.”

“Right. I have some business to attend to. So…” Karkat opened the door, and ushered made and ushering motion with his hand. “If you could please enter the main room and try not to make total arses of yourselves.” There was a general grunt of agreement as each of the remaining party traipsed through the grand hallway to the main room. Jade left last, giving an exaggerated wink. She looked lovely this evening, her bobbed hair set into fashionable waves, and her lips painted red. The glasses she usually wore had been abandoned, and though she was squinting, she looked far prettier without them. Not that she seemed to care particularly, but Karkat was glad she’d made the effort.  
He’d actually made quite the effort himself. He was wearing his best suit, and Kanaya had spent a good half an hour trying to get his hair flat before he left. Undoubtedly it would be sticking up again by the end of the evening, but he was happy as long as he didn’t look embarrassingly slovenly.

He trotted into the main room after Jade, quickly taking her aside before she joined the small crowd, spread out in groups over the large room. A member of their kitchen staff was wandering around, offering flutes of champagne, Karkat quickly grabbed two, and thrust one into Jade’s gloved hand.  
“I’m going to talk to your father now.”

“Good.”

“And if he gives me the go ahead, I’ll sit next to you at dinner. If it’s a maybe, I’ll sit by Sollux, and if it’s a no, I’ll sit with… John.” Karkat shrugged. To be honest, it was rather an unnecessarily elaborate set up, but he didn’t want to risk upsetting Mr Egbert by having to sneak off with Jade to explain, and having him think Karkat was proposing to her without his consent.

“… Right.” Jade sighed. She drank most of her champagne in one gulp. “You look nice tonight, Karkat.” She said, plucking his suit jacket.

“So do you.” Karkat said, forcing a little smile. “Well. This is our first step toward being happily sham married.” He went to leave her, expecting some kind of reaction. She simply stood. “Wish me some fucking luck or something then.” He snarled. She rolled her eyes.

“Good luck, you complete ass.”

“That’s more like it.” And with that, Karkat left.

The main room of the house was huge. It was the former family home of some bankrupt aristocrats, who had badly needed the money when Karkat’s father had offered to buy the house from them. It had been few years after Karkat was born, around when the banks really, really started to take off. It was old, and placed roughly an hour outside of London. He was glad his father had sent the driver, because he’d always had great difficulty finding the damn place himself.  
As he navigated the room, looking for Mr Egbert, he was forced to make small talk with a number of his father’s clients (“How is journalism treating you?” “Is this rug Persian?” “Is that friend of yours married? She would be just divine with my son, don’t you think?”) all of which were polite and rather dull, and seemed to be tip toeing around asking him about what they’d read in the Tattler’s Society Column that morning.

He listened closely for an American accent, then followed it, and finally found Mr Egbert chatting with his father in the far corner of the room.  
Karkat hovered behind Egbert in his Father’s eye line, expecting to be acknowledged. He was not. Sighing, Karkat tapped Mr Egbert on the shoulder.

“Good evening Mr Egbert, I trust you’re well?” He said.

“Yes, of course. Vantas, look, your son is here.” Egbert replied chirpily. Karkat’s Father sighed. He was a tall man, with a strong build, and a huge, black moustache that had been threatening to turn grey for the last few years. He had hair like Karkat’s, thick, and poorly maintained, and the same large eyebrows, permanently set in a frown, over deep set, bright brown eyes.

“Yes, yes he is.” Egbert looked expectantly at the two of them, smiling, apparently looking forward to some kind of loving, father son interaction. His Father sighed again. “How are you then, son?” he asked.

“Peachy.” Karkat replied tartly.

“Making an arse of yourself in the papers again, I see.”

“Yes.”

“The lipstick made you look like an extremely cheap rent boy.”

“Yes, I believe that was the look I was going for.” Karkat glared at him father, and his father glared back. Mr Egbert chuckled, and slapped them both on the back.

“Oh, lighten up Morris. He was just having a little harmless fun.” He smiled, and pulled his pipe from his pocket. Mr Egbert looked good with a pipe – really, he was what Karkat was aiming for in terms of pipe smoking. “Personally, I enjoy reading about the japes you and your gang get up to. I find it particularly amusing when John and Jade show up.” He said.

“Well I’m glad we could entertain you, Mr Egbert, Sir.” Karkat replied, lightly. His father tutted at both of them. “Erm, I was wondering if I might speak to you in the drawing room. In private.” He added. Mr Egbert’s eyebrows shot up.

“Ah, yes, if you’ll excuse me gentleman.” He made his way into the crowd, lighting his pipe as he left. Karkat attempted to follow him, but his father’s meaty fist grabbed the back of his jacket, stopping him in his tracks.

“Hang on there, Katriel.” He rumbled. Karkat winced. “Are you finally getting off of your corpulent backside and proposing to Jade?”

“Yes, Father, as a matter of fact, I am.” Karkat replied, acerbically. His father’s frown relaxed, and for a moment, he looked thoughtful.

“Good.” He said, he gave an absolutely tiny smile, “Your mother will be delighted.” His smile widened. “Well done, boy.” He gave Karkat a little pat on the shoulder, and sent him on his way. Karkat’s stomach squirmed, so unfamiliar was the feeling of having paternal pride bestowed upon him.  
Karkat skittered off to the drawing room, only a few steps behind Egbert, and he closed the door behind them, feeling a lot more nervous than he thought he would.

“What… Erm… What a fine pipe, Mr Egbert.” He stammered. Mr Egbert smiled broadly.

“Thank you! It’s my Dinner Party pipe.”

“It’s a very fine pipe.” Karkat said, nodding. Mr Egbert let out a puff of smoke. There was a somewhat awkward silence which Egbert broke a moment later.

“Well, as much as I enjoy pipe chat, which I do, very much, what did you want to speak to me about?”

“Ah, yes, right.” Karkat cleared his throat, and loosened his collar a bit. He was blushing. Why was he blushing? “Your daughter, Jade.” He coughed.

“Yes?”

“… Can I marry her?” Karkat asked, tentative. Mr Egbert clapped loudly and grinned, his fine pipe clattering to the floor.

“Of course!” he clapped Karkat so hard on the shoulder, he stumbled a little. “I’m delighted, your father will be over joyed and I’m sure Jade will be to, she’s very fond of you.”

“Yes, yes she is. As I am fond of her. Because we’re in love with each other. Of course.” Karkat muttered. Mr Egbert… Oh God, Mr Egbert was tearing up.

“When do you plan on-”

“Tonight. I have the ring, all I needed was your say so. I mean, obviously, Jade and I have been quietly and very chastely seeing each other since she came to London, and she’s been dropping hints for weeks, I really just need to stop dragging my heels and get it done, so I can marry her, and we’ll happily spend our lives together. Being in love, and so on. Which is very much a thing that we are.” Karkat told him, nodding furiously.

“Well I am absolutely daffy with happiness.” Mr Egbert took his handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed his eye gently with it. “Oh I know it’s not a thing you Brits do, but, _come here you_.” He said, giving Karkat little warning before he was enveloped in Egbert’s arms. “I am so proud of you, Son.” He said, tearfully.

“Yes… quite.” Karkat reached around and patted him awkwardly on the back. “So er… I’ll be proposing a toast after the main course and I’ll do it then. And hopefully she’ll accept.”

“I’m sure she’ll be… Oh I’m so happy.” Mr Egbert sniffed loudly in Karkat’s ear. “My little girl is all grown up.” He choked. Karkat was tempted to remind him that it was his daughter getting proposed to, not him.

“There there, Mr Egbert.” Said Karkat, gently.

*

Vriska hoped no one noticed her tripping in her heels as she stomped through the hall of the Vantas’ family home. She banged through the doors and into the grand garden, settling herself at a bench beneath a large rhododendron bush. She’d begged her mother for rhododendrons when she was small, but her requests had gone unnoticed.  
She was cold in just her dress and her wrap. She pulled the wrap tighter on her shoulders, and pouted. She was embarrassed. Humiliated, even. Being talked to like that by Aradia Scratch of all people, by someone with a background like hers. If it had been in private, this would have had no effect on her, but she had to say it in front of practically _everyone_ , and they’d doubtlessly be gossiping about her father’s money troubles now. She took her cigarettes and her matches from her hand bag, and lit one, and thanking her lucky stars that Robert’s income was steady – between them they probably had more than that damn Dr Scratch could ever dream of having. She huffed regardless, and took in the fresh smell of the night air, and the comforting smell of her cigarette.   
It was not to long before she saw a figure bounding across the lawn – a figure which turned out to be John. She smiled to herself, smug, and glad that something good had come from this embarrassing little incident.

“Mrs Serket?” He asked gently. She sighed.

“You can call me Vriska, John, I’ve asked you before.” She said. She made an effort to take the harsh edge out of her voice – something that usually made its way onto her tongue without her notice.

“I just wanted to make sure you were alright.” John said, he joined her on the bench tentatively. “I thought that was uncalled for… Maybe you shouldn’t have picked on her husband, but there was no need for her to bring up your father’s private finances.”

“Scratch fights dirty.” She said. Though she felt hypocritical saying it. Aradia and she had been the same way since Aradia had arrived at her boarding school, the scruffy, poorly spoken beneficiary of a lonely industrial giant.

“She had no right.” John huffed.

“Cigarette?” She offered. He licked his lips and took one tentatively, and his face lit up prettily when she struck a match and lit it for him. He coughed.   
“You don’t smoke, do you?”

“Nu uh.” He replied, sputtering. Vriska stubbed out her own, almost finished cigarette, and snatched John’s from between his lips. “I don’t understand how you can smoke those.” He cleared his throat. “They taste terrible, and they make you choke.”

“They’re good for your throat.” Vriska said. “Won’t your fiancé be upset at you for sitting out here with me?”

“Uh… No. She’s pretty independent.” John shrugged, and flashed a kind, toothy smile. Suddenly Vriska didn’t feel as cold as she had done. “She’s a writer, you know. A real smart lady.” He said, sounding awed. Vriska wished, privately, that her own husband would speak about her in the same tone.

“I’d hardly let you out of my sight if you were my fiancé. Sweet little thing like you, goodness knows whose claws you could get yourself trapped in.” She purred. John smiled again, coy, like a school girl.

“We trust each other a lot.” He mumbled. Vriska edged closer to him, and crushed the tail end of another cigarette under her foot.

“See, it’s not you that I wouldn’t trust, it’s everyone else.” She said, laying a hand on John’s thigh. He swallowed, she heard him. “Speaking of which, I’d watch out later, I think Vantas has his eye on you.” She said with a snigger. She expected to get a snigger back, but instead, she got a look of utter bewilderment.

“Excuse me?” He said, throwing a polite smile in, to soften the question.

Vriska rolled her eyes, and gave him a little nudge. “You know.”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Oh.” Vriska frowned and he simply blinked at her. “I’m not sure if you’re a tad slow, or if you’re really this naïve.”

“Huh?” John sat and started at her for a while, and Vriska simply waited for the penny to drop. It didn’t.

She sighed. “How sweet. I’m sure you’ll understand what I mean later.”

“You’re a queer person.” Laughed John. Vriska shook her head, and gave his thigh a gentle pat. “Are you coming back indoors?”

“No, I think I might have the driver take me to London now.” She said. She’d have him take her to Kanaya’s, and she could simply hide away there till later.

“You shouldn’t let this spoil your night!” John said, sounding determined. Again, she felt warmed, and envious, her fingers left his thigh and came back to her wrap. John smile was confident, easy, and so without anything but happiness, that one could easily call it stupid. “Come back inside, I’ll take care of you.” He said. Now Vriska did roll her eyes at that.

“Thank you for offering, but I’ll have you know I’m rather capable of looking after myself.”

“You sounded like Rose, just then.” He said fondly. He stood and offered his arm, which Vriska took after she’d stood herself.

“Is that a good thing?” she asked.

“Of course!” And John, somewhat awkwardly, clapped her on the back. She stumbled a little – he was stronger than he looked.   
He was very tall, and terribly thin, with dark hair and skin that was olive in tone. It had been darkened by that American sunshine in the year he’d been away, and he’d arrived a healthy, golden brown but it had faded to a pastier, sicklier tone since. He had grown unused to the cold, and now walked with a hunch and a shiver.   
Though he was handsome, and growing more so by the day, with his sharp jaw, and cut glass features. Even his glasses, which Vriska had seen fully ruin the face of many a handsome man before him, suited him well.

They walked arm in arm back to the house, and Vriska could feel herself buzzing from his touch, his manner, his smile, and his warm laugh, which seemed to run through her like a peel of bells.

She had not realised just how attracted to John she had been.

Before they reached the light of the house, Vriska found herself imagining having a husband like John. Someone married for love, not for the sake of convenience or pleasing one’s parents. She gave a heavy, miserable sigh and John looked at her for a moment, stunned and cow eyed.

“Is there something the matter?” He asked. And Vriska found herself sifting through a whole list of ‘something’s. She was lonely. She was loathed. And she was, all of a sudden, afraid. Re-entering that house terrified her. Back to a life that felt much too tight for her. The walls must rise again, and her tongue must become sharp, and cruel.

She wondered if John would run away with her, if she were to suggest it. They could go somewhere warm.

“Vriska?” She did not reply to him. Instead, she tugged her arm from his grasp and pressed their lips together, stretching slightly to wrap her arms around his neck.  
He was tentative at first – perfectly still, before long he was kissing her back, pulling her body close to his in a manner that was improper and brash and utterly American.

They lurched away from each other at the sound of a snapping branch, looking around and finding no source for it.

“Oh. Oh… fuck.” John spluttered. He scrubbed his mouth indelicately with the back of his hand, as if trying to erase her. “I’m sorry Mrs Serket, Jesus, I really am, I-”

“Calm down.” She snarled. She found herself, suddenly, decidedly untaken by his innocence.

“We hardly know each other. What if someone saw, what about Rose?” He clapped a hand over his mouth, as if the organ had offended him. He continued to scrub away her lipstick onto the back of his hand.

“Oh what _about_ Rose?” Vriska snapped. She was rather shocked to find her eyes filling up with tears. “Honestly!” She exclaimed. She growled, faintly to herself, and internally kicked herself for thinking like such a stupid child. “I think you’d better go.” She blurted.

“Yes. Yes, I think I’d better had.” His lips tightened to a thin red line, and he shook his head. He gave a final. “Sorry.” Before he turned on his heel and ran from the garden, up to the house.

Vriska stood for a moment in the cold, before stomping over to where the cars had been parked. She knocked on the door of her own car, and demanded the driver take her back to London that very instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudosing and bookmarking, you kids keep me young ;3;


	3. Chapter 3

Karkat took his seat next to Jade at dinner, and she tapped her nose, smiling slightly. She seemed not to be as worried as before, as if a weight had been lifted. The air lightened around her, and even Karkat felt himself relax hugely. There was no fear, as there had been with his first proposal, that the proposee would not accept, and the process should go easily and swiftly. He’d made special effort to let nothing slip to his friends, and he wondered, with something not unlike glee, how they should all react.

Dinner was fine. Eridan made a passing comment to Karkat’s father, as to whether he’d seen Mrs Serket or not, as no one else seemed to know. He said the Butler, Carter, had told him her car was seen leaving the grounds.

“Did she at least say her goodbyes, Katriel?” He asked. “She was your guest, after all. Or did that wretched father of her fail to teach her any manners at all?”

“She was feeling ill, Father. In all honesty, she looked dreadful, I was half way tempted to drive her the fu-” Karkat coughed, and stopped himself mid-profanity. “The whole way home myself.”

His father’s great eyebrow’s tried their best to disappear into his hairline. “Are you quite sure she wasn’t just avoiding Doctor Scratch?” he asked. He always sounded deeply suspicious, of anything and everyone, he could misplace his reading glasses and end up looking at anyone within a mile radius as if they had not just stolen his glasses, but as if they had broken them too, with malicious intent, and hidden the shards in his favourite chair.

“Ah…” Karkat saw Aradia look guiltily down at her empty plate, and he was then put off, slightly, by Eridan’s gleeful snort. “Yes, Father. Quite sure.” He said, with a tight smile.

Karkat’s mother then chimed in. And she was doing so well. “Oh look what you’ve done, Morris, you’ve embarrassed ‘im!” She slapped her husband on the arm with a chubby, gravy splattered hand, and leant toward her son with an open mouthed grin. “Sweet ‘eart, don’t you listen to your ‘orrible old Dad, honestly what’s ‘e like!?” she laughed loudly, displaying every tooth in her fat, red mouth.   
She was often crude, and spoke with an honestly unrivalled in her social circles. She had dark red hair, streaked with grey, which she wore in a fashionable bob, and often adorned with the grandest hats she could find. She was small, but wide and had, in her youth, been considered quite a beauty.   
She and Karkat’s father had moved in very circles. She’d been a fishwife, in fact, and had lost few of the mannerisms adopted in her old profession.

Karat’s father would often chastise him for speaking too loudly, for being crass or foul mouthed. This often left Karkat to wonder what kind of child he’d expected to have with a woman like this.

“Ada.” Growled his father. She gave a high pitched laugh and slapped him on the arm again.

“Old sod.” She said.

“If you’d all like to go through to the-”

“Actually, I have something to-” Karkat tood, cleared his throat and lifted his glass. “If I could make a toast.” He said, looking pointedly at Jade. She smirked. “To… The Egbert family, congratulating them on their… various enterprises… Accounting… publication and… all of those other things. Cheers.” He lifted his glass, and a number of others followed suit, chorusing ‘cheers’ after he had. Karkat set his glass down, and absently flattened his hair with his hand. The other hand was occupied with the finding of the ring which, thankfully, was an easy task. This jacket, unlike many of his others, was largely clean.   
The ring itself was a staggeringly simple piece that Kanaya had helped him pick months ago. A single diamond (a large one) set between two small emerald stones, on a white gold band. He hoped she at least liked it – he’d toyed with going for a traditional Jewish proposal, but tradition was terribly out of fashion nowadays.   
“Any way, one particular member of the Egbert family has become quite dear to me, as some of you may already know, and… I would say that I love her dearly. And that I would very much like it-” Karkat dropped down onto one knee. Jade’s shocked face was highly unconvincing, “If she would give me her hand in marriage.”  
There was a silence, and Karkat was very sure he heard an outraged puff of air originating from Eridan’s corner of the room.

“Oh. Oh Karkat this is such a surprise.” Said Jade, with a decidedly unsubtle wink. “Of course! I mean. Oh I love you so much.” She offered her hand, and Karkat set the ring upon her bony finger (thankfully stripped of elastic bands for the evening). He was only dully aware of others in the room applauding as he got to his feet, and took Jade with him.

“Kiss ‘er, love!” squawked his mother. They exchanged a shy glance, then a shy peck on the mouth. “Do it properly!” She protested. Karkat’s father gave her a brief, and stern reprimand before standing himself, and calling to the kitchen staff.

“Get them some wine, and a cup, for goodness’ sakes.”

Karkat poured the wine for Jade and she sipped it, signifying her acceptance.

*

All in all the dinner party was a success. No one made a prick out of themselves at all – except possibly Karkat’s mother and Mr Egbert, who spent the remainder of the evening in tears, bleating endlessly on and on about how proud they were of their respective children, and how they were looking forward to the Grandchildren.   
Jade stapled herself to Karkat’s arm, and was excellent in acting the part of the besotted bride to be.

They all left for Karkat’s London apartment around ten in the evening, where both of them were quickly accosted by their friends, who all said some variant of “Where the living fuck did this come from?”  
They were soon joined by those who had not attended the dinner party, so their main set of friend, and a few others – as well as a few hangers on. Vriska did not make a reappearance.

When asked by his closest friends about the engagement, Karkat told them the truth. Except John. John received a highly edited edition of the truth.

Some of them were being, frankly, a little odd about the whole situation. Nepeta had gone very quiet, deciding not to ask them about it at all, and spent much of the evening by Equius’ side, looking a little lost and bewildered.   
Eridan hadn’t even asked, he spent much of the evening seemingly sulking on the sofa, whining Feferi’s ear off. Feferi, who was knocking back her wine at an extraordinary rate and looking about the room with eyes that said “save me, please, for the love of God”.

Nepeta, at one point, left the main room, and Jade took the opportunity to follow her. Karkat, in his good mood, decided to rescue Feferi from that very needy best friend of hers.

“Kanaya was asking after you, Feferi.” He said. And Feferi was off like a shot, ignoring Eridan’s weak protests.

“Hello Karkat.” He said. He sniffed, and began chewing his nails.

“You don’t seem to be having a good time.” Karkat said, gently. He’d suspected for a while that Eridan might have had feelings for Jade, but then he seemed to have feelings for everyone. It might have been rather an endearing quality, seeing the good and the lovable in everyone like that. It might have been if he wasn’t so damn irritating about it.

“Yeah, well these things are always rubbish until later.” He huffed. Eridan had a strange manner of speaking – his accent had been corrupted by a German father and a Slavic Nannie who spoke very poor English. He seemed to always stumble over his Ws and Vs. If Karkat remembered correctly, Eridan has spent years having elocution lessons in an attempt to correct this, but very little seemed to change, and his Father gave up trying to fix it.

“Why whatever do you mean?” Karkat asked. He was trying to be nice, he really was. Karkat knew the sting of a broken heart all too well, and it was never nice. Even if this probably was the third broken heart Eridan had had this week.

“You know. All the stuff you’re not going to be able to partake in, what with your getting’ married and being in love and such.” He said, rather snottily. Karkat rolled his eyes, and trying to remain patient.

“Ah. It’s very much a marriage of convenience, you know.” Karkat told him, the snap in his voice pressed out expertly – he’d gotten terribly good at it. One too many straps to the backside at Eton for talking back and shouting would teach any one.   
“Jade is soft on Nepeta, though. Assuming it’s her you’re sulking over.”

“I’m not sulkin’ over her.” He spat. “I’m not sulkin’ over any one.”

“Are you sure about that?” Karkat answered harshly, patience on the wane. Eridan nodded, and his lips were pressed together in that horrible, too tight way that just made his mouth look like a cat’s arsehole. Karkat was about to tell him just that, before Eridan, out of the blue, snarled.

“So do you still like John, is that why you’re marryin’ her, so you can fuck her brother?”

“Well. It’s a bonus of the arrangement.” Karkat shrugged. Eridan looked annoyed, almost hurt.

“I’m not sulkin’ over Jade.” He snapped again, suddenly.

“Alright, I believe you!”

“You’re being strange.” He said, with narrowed eyes. “You’re not shouting, or swearing or any of the shit you usually do. I fucking hate your silly, pretend, nicey nicey act, alright? I’m not sulking over Jade, so stop talking to me like I’m heartbroken.” Then he was on his feet, baring his teeth at Karkat like an angry dog, and spitting through them when he spoke. “Arsehole.” He said. “ _John_ was looking for you before, by the way.” He added, nastily, before stomping off.   
Karkat searched absently for something to throw. Locating the ring box in hs jacket pocket, he threw it, and hit him square on the arse.

He then went off to find John, not that it was too difficult. His apartment was large, but by no means large enough to lose a person in.

“Eridan said you wanted me?” Karkat said coolly, sauntering over to John, who was currently with Rose and a girl Karkat didn’t recognise.

“Yeah buddy! I just wanted to tell you we have to get a drink sometime. Just the two of us. Kinda soon, ‘cause I need your help with something.” He said uncomfortable. Rose, behind his back, raised a thin, pencilled eyebrow. Karkat thought for a moment. John did look desperate.

“Well… There’s a nice pub across the road and down the way a little. That’ll still be open.”

“You can’t leave your own party!” He protested.

“Yes I fucking well can. It’ll only be for an hour or so, won’t it?”

John clearly hadn’t been in the mood to argue anyway. He collected his coat from the entrance hall ith Karkat, and within ten minutes of first suggesting it, they were walking down the street together.  
It was a cool night, and the dull glow of the street lamps lit their way. John’s shadow cast long and thin across the ground, where Karkat’s was smaller and broader. John was shivering, though Karkat found it quite pleasant.   
The wind whistled gently, and the thin, ever present smog of the city hung before them, swaddling them. Karkat felt oddly protected.  
John, somewhat awkwardly, nudged him and smiled.

“You know, I meant to say this before, but I’m really glad you’re the one marrying Jade.” John said, his smile sweet and genuine. Karkat found himself smiling back, guiltily. “Because I know you’re gonna take care of her, and treat her good; I think you guys are gonna be really happy together. Maybe as happy as me and Rose when we get married.” He said. There was an unusual, strained quality to his voice, and Karkat found himself feeling rather worried. Karkat always found this – the moment he found he had feelings for someone he turned into this mess of worry and concern.

“What’s the matter, John?” He asked.

“Nothing. I. I just. I really like you Karkat, you know?” John turned to him with his eyebrow knitted together, and his eyes unnaturally damp behind his spectacles.  
Karkat’s heart was in in his throat. And here he’d been thinking John was completely oblivious to his feelings.

“I… I really like you as well, John. I’m. Obviously I’m glad to be marrying Jade, but. Yes, I’m glad. And. I like you an awful lot as well.” He stuttered, besotted. Karkat was aware of the fact their hands were just inches away from each other, and Karkat let his arm dangle closer, so their knuckles brushed.

“I just. I have this problem. And I feel like you’re the only one I can trust.” John ran a hand through his unruly hair. “It- It’s a recent thing, I guess, but I can already feel it weighing down on me. God, I feel so guilty about it too. And what it’s going to do to Rose…” He sighed miserably, and Karkat was just seconds, _seconds_ away from taking his hand, pouring his heart out and comforting him, when John said, “I kissed Vriska.”

Karkat stuffed his hand violently into his coat pocket. “You what?”

“Before! Literally just before! After she ran outside, when Aradia made that comment about her Dad. I think it’s why she didn’t come to the party!” John sighed again, and chewed his lip. Karkat was half deflated, half fucking furious. “I feel so bad. But I think I’m falling for her. I hardly know her, and then there’s Rose, and.” Karkat was hardly listening to him, there was blood of embarrassment and _outrage_ pounding in his ears, and it blocked out most of the self pitying whining John was doing.   
“It was so amazing though. She’s usually so mean, but she was just. She seemed so vulnerable, and it felt so right. But… My poor Rose, I can’t imagine what this will do to her.”

Karkat was too blinded by annoyance to think about what he was saying. He gritted his teeth. This was far too easy.

“So you think you’re falling for Vriska.” He said. “And… You think Rose will be upset about it. Rose. As in, Rose Lalonde.”

“Uh. Yeah, who else would I be talking about.” John said, bewildered.

“Have you met her?” Karkat asked, letting out a small bark of amusement. It was absurd. “I think you might be the only person on the planet who’s managed to stay blind to all of this.” He laughed. “You know she’s been trying to bed Kanaya since she damn well got here.” John scowled at him, his expression clouding and becoming thunderous. “And there’s rather an interesting rumour going around about her relationship with her brother – were you aware if that?” Karkat said, grinning nastily. “I suppose you weren’t, were you, _mister Naiveté_? Fucking idiot.”

John didn’t say anything for a moment, but his hands clenched into fists. “You take that back.” He said dangerously.

“I shan’t take it back because it’s all true.” Karkat said, a cruel edge to his voice. John’s lip curled to reveal clenched teeth, and before Karkat could do anything about it, John’s fist was flying toward his face.  
Karkat saw white, and his eyes streamed, and fucking hell, he’d forgotten how good John had been at fighting in school. The pain was really quite unbelievable, and seemed to be cantered at the top of his jaw. He staggered, and fell. And knocked out a tooth. One at the back. It landed on the pavement with a skitter, and bounced into the road, and down a drain.

“Oh. Shit, okay, I shouldn’t have done that.” John said, he attempted to help Karkat off the floor, but he batted the hand away. And stood up himself. He couldn’t even articulate hi frustration, so he just pushed John as hard as he could, and he landed on the railings of someone’s house with an “oof!” He looked pleadingly at Karkat, and Karkat felt guilty. Still fucking enraged, but, now a little guilt too. “Just tell me what you – why would you even say that? You’re supposed to be my friend, one of my oldest friends, in fact!”

“Because. You’re so fucking stupid!” He yelled, bloodied spit dribbling down his chin and onto his coat. “I _like_ you, John, as in, I find you very attractive, as in, I’d like to sleep with you.”

“What?” John’s expression was a mixture of fear and confusion.

“Oh don’t look at me like that, everyone’s at it. You’re practically the only one who isn’t. And yes, that means Dave and Rose and Jade too.” Karkat snarled. “It’s practically a sport. Who can bed who?”

John curled his lip, “Ugh! That’s so. Seedy and… Disgusting and-”

“Welcome to London!” Karkat said, waving his hands. He hunched his shoulders, turned on his heel and stomped away, back to his apartments.

“I’m not interested in you! At all!” John called after him.

“Gently does it there John, you don’t want to hurt my feelings!” Karkat screeched back.

“You know, you’re such a fucking… Shit. You’re a shit. You’re a shit person, and a shit friend!” Karkat was suddenly aware of the fact that he’d never seen John angrier than this before. “Rose is not cuckolding me, not with a woman, and certainly not with her own brother!” He yelled. “If Dave was here, and not at school, he’d probably kill you!” He said. Karkat saw him head toward a taxi at the near by pub.

“Aren’t you going to pick up your darling Fiancée?” Karkat asked.

“From the sounds of it, she can damn well take care of herself!”

Karkat laughed at that, then came back to the party, slamming the door behind him in a rage. He was greeted by Kanaya’s fussing (“You’ve gotten blood on your coat, you know. Oh dear, that bruise is going to be very nasty tomorrow.”) which he shrugged off quickly. He abandoned his coat, and went downstairs to use the telephone. It was shared between him and the other two men who lived in the flats.   
He punched in the number of his ghost writer, and waited for him to answer.

“Good evening.” He said coolly.

“Mr. Vantas?” the writer grumbled, bewildered.

“Hello, I hope I didn’t wake you, Gertrude has rather an impressive scoop, so I suggest you take out a pen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting, and kudossing etc because dhjs just thank you yay


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